Stories - The Real Happy Wife

Stories

“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” – Catherine Aird

When I was an exhausted new mom just trying to figure out why my husband wouldn’t talk to me, I met another mom named Anne. She offered a free Zumba class, and while I felt way too busy, I’m a sucker for a good deal

When I walked through the doors, I was immediately mesmerized by Anne’s joyful spirit and the way she flipped her hair to the Latin music. I surprised myself by the bubbly stories I brought home, and my husband couldn’t resist hanging around the kitchen and laughing with me about my night. I was amazed how quickly he offered to pay for more classes!

Anne gave me permission to have fun again. The Bible does too.

“When God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them…this is a gift of God. They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.” Ecclesiastes 5:19-20

When my toddler woke me up four times that night, it didn’t feel like a big deal anymore. For me, a dance class was God’s gift that kept me occupied with gladness of heart.

What occupies you with gladness of heart?

Happy Wives Leave Dishes in the Sink

I had a friend named Sarah.* Sarah was juggling a preschooler, a baby with life threatening allergies, and her husband’s mental disorder. Yet she adored her man and was always happy. Of course, she loved Jesus. But I know plenty of good Christian women who are stressed to the max. Somehow…Sarah wasn’t.

When I asked her the secret to her happy marriage she said, “I leave the dishes in the sink. I want to sit on the couch and enjoy my people.”

I was so offended! What kind of self-respecting Christian wife would neglect her duties like that?

But the Bible seemed to agree with my friend’s kooky advice. Even God himself rests (Genesis 2:2), He “grants sleep to those he loves” (Psalm 127:2), He praised Mary’s restful spirit over Martha’s overworked one (Luke 10:41-42), and even thought the Sabbath was important enough to make a commandment (Exodus 20:8).

So I tried it, and started tracking my own dish-dismissing successes. The plates piled up, I sank into the sofa, and weirdly, felt much better. My husband seemed relieved to see me smiling and cuddling with our toddler. Often he joined us.

My marriage could breathe again.

*Name changed

As a newlywed I used to read this verse and think, “Gee, it’s not really fair for that poor oppressed person! Why can’t HE have a continual feast? Poor guy, I guess he just had bad luck.”

I had NO idea that God was telling me I could choose. Do I want to:

1. have a cheerful heart and enjoy a continual feast of gratitude

2. give in to feeling oppressed and make every day wretched?

Spoiler alert: I chose Option 2

When I was first married I found myself working a dead end job in a sandwich shop, and gave in to feeling totally “oppressed.” Every day was wretched, and I let my husband know it.

He often told me to play “The Glad Game.” You know, that old movie where Pollyanna cheerfully rattles off things she’s still happy about every time something bad happens? Well, I hated that game and it drove me nuts.

I was a complaining addict. My husband told me I could quit my job and he’d provide, and I grumbled that staying home would be a waste of a degree. He said he only wanted me to be happy, and I cried, insisting that I would never be happy with my resume in tatters.

Over the years my complaints grew, and soon he gave up on The Glad Game. He fell asleep on the other side of the bed while I cried in my pillow each night. My complaints, “honesty,” and hysterical tears were repelling my kind, generous husband.

Eventually I had to wonder if maybe Pollyanna (as annoying as she was) was onto something.

The first time I tried playing The Glad Game, I came nowhere close to glad.

Frankly I was too embarrassed to try being grateful and positive in front of a real live person. Definitely not my husband. It all sounded way too corny. At the same time, I was desperate to get him to like me again, and to be able to share about my day without him playing on his phone, desperate to escape. I wanted to hear out loud if the way I was expressing myself was really THAT repulsive or if my husband was just heartless.

So I got creative and recorded video of myself talking about my day over and over until I could finally deliver a clean description…without any complaints. I was surprised at how difficult it was. I kept catching myself complaining and having to stop and re-record. How would I ever make it to actual thankfulness?

As you can see in the screenshot below, it took me nine tries on my first round .

“This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

I’m happy to report I eventually got better at playing The Glad Game! It’s now the one totally non negotiable part of my day. As it turns out, being happy is fun once I got the hang of it! (OK, the pretty candle and lavender tea and breakfast cookies don’t hurt either )

Each morning I wake up before everyone else and write for 30 peaceful, blissful minutes what I’m thankful for about God, my husband, and even my six year old son. A few years ago I could barely fill three lines without gagging, but now my thankfulness flows so freely, my pen can barely keep up with the happy thoughts in my brain (as you can see from my atrocious handwriting ).

It’s crazy, but I can’t stop smiling.

Here’s what a few of my journals looked like this past month.

“This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:2

So Should Christian Wives Just Bottle Up Their Feelings?!

Well, I tried that in 2016… after our son Dean passed away at birth.

It didn’t work.

I was at one of my lowest points in life, and desperately needed someone to hear me. I tried explaining to my husband how hard it was to hear little ones crying in church, or how I just couldn’t bear to go to his sister’s baby shower. But I’ve found that he was made to solve problems…and this one couldn’t be fixed. I wanted him to cry with me and to listen for months while I poured out all my emotions. But I have yet to meet a man made to do that.

The more I despaired, the more stony faced he became. How frustrating to him that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t make me happy…the one thing he wants most.

So, I tore down my marriage with my own hands (Proverbs 14:1) trying fruitlessly to be understood by a man, and feeling more lonely every day.

Eventually I found women who could listen WITHOUT letting me slip into bitterness. It’s my secret sauce to honoring any of my sad/bad/scared feelings, without losing my dignity or damaging my relationship with my husband one bit.

Now I go to my girlfriends to air out my emotions, and my husband to solve my problems. It works for me perfectly.

“If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10

What Happened When I “Taught” My Husband

Confession time: during a recent family pizza night, the unthinkable happened. My husband reached his hand INTO the bag of mozzarella! Like, directly IN it! I nicely asked him, “Can you get a spoon to get the cheese so we don’t all share germs?” But he just clenched his jaw and I got “the look.” You know, the husband version? The one that says, “Are you really talking to me like a 3 year old right now?” Happy vibes right out the window.

Busted! I’m definitely guilty of parenting my husband at times , and it’s literally never been worth it for me. I hate the yucky, super-not-cute way I feel when I’ve just given a monologue on why raw chicken should never be left on the counter. Nothing kills the mood like mothering my guy. Plus, it’s kind of ridiculous for me to think this 36 year old man needs a lesson on table manners. I mean, he was successfully flying airplanes when I was still learning to drive (and let’s be real, mostly crashing into mailboxes ).

Time to bring back the fun pizza night vibes with an apology.

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged.” Matthew 7:2